The thirties are really getting me down. My twenties were difficult enough. I was looking forward to my thirties, thinking things in my life would be coming together finally and life would be ending up the way I had planned. But sometimes I sit back and life doesn’t seem to be what I thought it should be.
Yes, this is going to be another deep though post by me. Take for instance, the other day I’m heading down the highway, looking out the window as the sun sets. These nice houses with nice cars sitting in the driveways makes me wonder why they are not in my life. Maybe I’m measuring my own success in an incorrect way. I see driveways full of vehicles and kids playing, adults coming and going with gifts. That’s the type of holiday I’ve always looked forward to, yet I’ve never had. Instead my holidays are spent mostly alone, waiting, bored, or spending the day driving all over central Pennsylvania trying to see my family. And a broken family it is.
I always thought that by this point in my life I would be married, building that married life together with my wife. Striving for that bright future with the nice house, garage, fenced in yard with the dog playing in the grass. Yet all of that seems so out of reach. Almost impossible.
On another note, I have read a small piece about being depressed during the holidays. It said that many times we get depressed because we set expectations for the holidays based on our past experiences. And sometimes our lives change and trying to meet those expectations is nearly impossible. People change, relationships change, children grow up, people move, and soon the holidays simply need to be celebrated in different ways. We should all do what makes us feel happy and brings joy to our lives instead of trying to plan that perfect holiday.
But now I’m getting off-track. Something in my mind keeps telling me that next year I will be 35 years old. Half way to 40! And yet I feel that I have not accomplished what I want to accomplish in my life. The clock is ticking! What am I waiting for? Sometimes I feel that I haven’t even lived yet! I think of all of the places I have not seen, the cultures I have not experienced, and the moments that I am missing.
Maybe I am being too materialistic. I don’t see myself as a materialistic person, but maybe I am? Someone please chime in on that question please. Maybe I should be more thankful of my accomplishments. I did manage to go to college, even if it was only two years. I’ve learned so much in my career and feel very comfortable and rewarded where I am today. I’ve managed to go from basically not really having a place to live and being deep in debt to renting an apartment, and now as a home owner. My daughter is growing up, now has a job while she is still in high school, and will soon be driving and sometimes we have some great conversations. My car is rather reliable and is paid off. That gave me the opportunity to buy a motorcycle which is a new joy in my life. I also bought a puppy for my ex-girlfriend to try to make a “family” and show her my commitment. After that did not work out, I still have the puppy which brings so many smiles to my face every day.
When I look at my life that way I feel that I actually have accomplished many things. Yet for some reason I feel that my life is not on track. Maybe it is just because of the recent failed relationship with the person I was planning to marry. That is a big kick to the stomach during the holidays. Maybe I just need time to put that in my past and move on. Maybe I need some future goals BESIDES getting married. Do people really have a biological clock? Because right now I just feel like I really want to be married. Regardless, setting up some mini-goals is probably a good idea. I should spend some time thinking of what I want to accomplish in 2009, create some goals, and beging to set my priorities.